Almost month ago I meet amazing girl on VRChat. I am going to call her C. to protect her privacy. I almost immediately fell in love with her.

How we meet was kind of comical, and I am hesitating to tell this story. Probably later I’ll tell you.

She is amazing girl. Her voice and laugh cut my attention. The way how she speaks. Her language usually is very clean with proper grammar. Her intonations like little bells. She says “oh my God” a lot, and I love the way she is saying it. I still can hear her voice in my head. Very often she calls me on Discord and says: Mika, and I reply: C. And sometimes she makes a kissing sound, at this time my heart is melting, it feels like I am under big warm blanket and waves of happiness are rolling other me.

I learned about her life. She is studying architecture in the college, and has internship and also has additional work in Dominos. She lives alone in the apartment. She values honesty, she tries to be honest with other people, with herself and expect other people to be honest with her. She fights for her happiness. She hides her pain, her voice is always cheerful and she laughs a lot. I adore her.

We spent quite a lot time playing VRChat and Minecraft. Later we played Portal 2. We had couple movie nights and spend a lot of time on Discord on voice, texting, sending to each other hugging, kissing and provocative gifs.

Several night we were on voice while we were sleeping. It is such a nice feeling when you are waking up and you can feel: someone is here.

Two nights ago I decided to give her my Instagram. So she can see my pictures. I am not sure what happened, but since she replied twice on Discord. I am reading again and again and I cannot understand. I thought I know her good enough, I would understand if other girl would do it, but not she.

Later on she replied. I am still not comfortable to share what she replied, but is is my fault. She cannot talk with me anymore. I hope, someday she will forgive me.

I am lonely and I do not know what to do to get rid of the pain in my chest. Before I met C. I was used to be lonely and get used to emptiness in my heart and now it is back. I need to do something with it.

My life is like semi-assembled rubik’s cube. A lot of colors in place and I do not have courage to misplace colors to put in place other colors. I have kids, house, job, great weather here in Southern California, stability… a lot of things. But I do not have someone who would share my values, who would understand me, who would kiss me and hug, who would take care about me, and support me and challenge my ideas and just makes me happier every day. My soulmate.

I figured out by myself how to solve rubik’s cube. It is strange way to solve it, one of algorithms in my solution, if colors are set is certain way mix the cube and start other, basically my way to solve rubik’s cube has 50/50 chances.

It feels like my life at this point, I have to leave my kids, sell the house, quit the job and start over hoping my life would become better.

Kids are the hardest part. Last year I went to the conference for a week. And the first question from my son when I came back was: why your conference was so long? He was missing me. I do not know how I can handle a conference lasting for the life.

I don’t think I would ever to have courage to do it. This is why I adore C. She burned a lot of bridges trying to find her happiness.

I miss her a lot.