Yesterday at night I binge-watched first season of “Violet Evergraden”. I related to the hero of the move - Violet. Without spoilers, she is looking for someone who can give her directions. She does not know what to do by herself, and also she is trying to understand what is love - what does love mean. Lately, I feel I cannot feel love anymore. The world fells gray without love. I watched some pictures yesterday with my daughter, and it reminded me how my life used to be, it feels like it was more colorful, and I was happier. Also, Violet face is always emotionless, and I lately don’t laugh or even smile too much.
It looks like I lost in my life. I know I want to be happy and making games makes me happy. I just finished a Ludum Dare jam, and it was fun. I am making games, but it does not feel like a permanent solution, and I am not happy with the outcome. I am doing game development in between of my life. Even I am working in the AAA game studio mostly it is not a game development. A lot of things are not related to the game play and a lot of things are not related to programming at all. Zero art as I hired as a software engineer. And lately I do not have too much time to do my side project/s. Plus couple of months ago I hit a wall, I did not feel good - health-wise, did not have energy and motivation to do anything. I figured, I did not have enough exercise, and it affected my health. So I started 1.5 hours walks every day, and it is quite big part of the day. Walks are helping with my health. But I have less time to make game, and again I am not sure if it is correct directions. I love making game, but I cannot see how I can make money and sustain my life and my family.
There is another consideration I mentioned in the previous post about getting older.
Doing a million things at a time makes me feel very productive, but I am not making progress. I want to be able focus on one thing and be happy with it.
Even with my game projects. I have Ordy and had 2 game jams in the past. And I am thinking maybe it would be good strategy money-wise making very, very small games on the web.